CatSpace

I have felt every emotion in the world, ranging from the common ones like happiness, pity and superiority, down to the really rare ones that you only get on special days like Whitsun, such as trepidation, humility and apprehension. But I sometimes wonder if the last emotions are only rare because the words for them are stupid. For example, if trepidation was called plib, people would be much more likely to describe their state as being plib because it is an easy word to say. Indeed, millions of babies will have said it before they said any other word. So our emotional state is dictated by the words we use to describe our emotional state far more than we realise.

This is reflected across broader society. If there was no word for bossing then nobody would ever get bossed and we would not live in a democracy because of this. If there were no words for Jew then the war wouldn't have happened and therefore we wouldn't have microwave ovens, and thus children today would be much fitter and parents less lazy to just give their kids a microwave meal after school instead of cooking them fruit and vegetables to chong healthily like Jamie Oliver says. Turkey twizzlers would take over the world, and that would be an unacceptable state of affairs from any viewpoint.

Having felt every emotion I am in a good position to announce which one is best. The best is a combination of pity and pride. When you look down on an insignificant nothing who you have just bossed and you mock them for their ineptitude. It's not their fault you're just a don and you are better than them. It's not their fault that they are consigned to a life of failure and miserability dossing around the streets of somewhere cold and southern. Like Thierry Henry leaving a team of has-beens and never-will-bes to go to the new pasture that is green and win lots of trophies, you know you're the best and you are better than johnny jobber who is rubbish.

Love is the worst emotion. It makes you do bad things, both when you have it and when it is absent. It is the true evil of the world above things like the devil and too much salt on your chips. You have had your chips. I do not recommend love to my readers because it is like the fork in the road that leads to two oblivions; it doesn't matter which way you go, oblivion is both ways. So you are better served to ignore it and instead be a hedonistic bastard. I have lived the last 12 months to this mantra and they have been most excellent.

The most beige emotion is contentedness. Who cares about being content. I am content with a donner kebab and a tin of coke, but it's not really what the heart demands. The heart demands that I put lobster and crayfish salad into my mouth with a thousand island dressing and caviar cakes for pudding. It also requires Glens Vodka for lubrication to work. The provision of the above leads to an emotion known as elatedness, which is a positive emotion to have around the house. I like.

<3
S.Cat