CatSpace

Yesterday I went to the US Embassy to be interviewed for my visa. This entailed a number of things I take none to kindly to; going to London, waiting in lines, talking to papermonkeys and missing Neighbours. Unfortunately for Uncle Sam, his waiting room was designed almost specifically to piss me the fuck off, and I had a most unpleasant four hours spent mostly reading Spaces of Work by Castree et. al. and eyeing up talent. Here are five ways to entertain me whilst I am waiting for you to perform pointless bureaucracy.

• Make Bears Fight. Not only is the bear-fighting more entertaining than watching Danny Williams stagger around the ring like a drunken spider and get beaten by a nobody, but you stand to make some money from betting, AND bear fighting is more illegal than rape, so you can feel really badass whilst you cheer on Yogi against poor, defenceless Sooty. What better tonic to stupid American animal rights protesters than to make bears fight in their embassy?
• Simulate Las Vegas. Most people going to the USA will, at some point, decide it is time to give their money to Daniel Negreanu and go to Las Vegas to lose at poker. Why not give them the opportunity to do so before they leave, too? A few too many Vodka Martinis, some dancing girls and a roulette table with a one eyed Russian croupier would make the time fly by.
• Have Gang War. Get your future immigrant camp counsellors into the spirit of the US of A by dividing them into two equal teams, painting their skin black, giving them UZIs and telling them that only the last gang standing will be allowed their visas. Then, when one gang is a bloody mess, simply administer crack cocaine to the winning team and kick them out onto the streets where they must live.
• Speed Dating. I met two attractive girls at the embassy. One was half-brazillian half-french and the other was a Manchester Fine Arts graduate. Two is an unacceptably low number. They should have introduced everyone to everyone, or at least me to everyone fit. This way we could have filled the four hours with some sex.
• Get Octoboss To Process Applications. The application process took fucking forever because they had about six worthless monkeys doing everything. So, why not simply get one Makelele octopus behind the scenes working on eight applications at once and get everyone in and out in about ten minutes? He could also double up as a bouncer and a sex icon.

In other news, I have a fucking huge head.

<3
S.Cat