CatSpace

Well no-one here is getting out alive. This time I've really lost my mind and I don't care...

Oh god, Mr Cat is singing lyrics from Dookie again. This can only mean one of two things. Either he is 15 again, or he is enjoying the sunsheyiiiiine. The latter is in fact the case. As I discussed below, the sun is a bossdogg. What I did not mention is that I'm writing this without being able to see the screen because the Derbyshire flag that I use as a curtain is not of sufficient METAL to keep the sun out. It just shines right through that crap. It's a bit shit, but because it is blue with a green cross of St George and a yellow Tudor rose in the middle, it's allowed a few mares. I am also still nailed from Robbos. I also got another "I know you from your website" last night. It's been a while since that shit happened, so Miss Lark, thank you for boosting my ego to infinite levels.

Today I wish to educate my readership. I will discuss the concept of swooping in for the kill. The concept of bagging a first snog, be it with a classy upper class champagne swilling ice queen, a working class slut wearing sweatbands, or a whore. I am not an expert in this field, but that makes my advice all the more prescient.

When you are with an upper class girl, you must boss her immediately. Imagine that you are Rino Gattuso and are faced with some idiot like Ariel Ibagaza. Or Andres d'Allesandro. Or perhaps Alexis Alexandrov. Some pussy south american AMC(/L). These gentlemen are all class and no substance. They are a chicken club sandwich with no bread. Nice and fancy but NOT WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WANT BEEEEF! You have to chong that shit down and ask for more. You have to put in a horrible knee high reducer in the first minute so that they disappear. With an upper class girl you do not have to talk to her. You must simply walk up and slip the tongue in. They are ice ice bany, and you cannot talk to them. This plan is foolproof, because she has no way to find out that you have a strange mixture of brummy, derby and new zealand for an accent, you have no opportunity to say owt stupid, and she is used to male porn stars and footballers, who behave as they wish. Therefore, your only option is to behave as you wish and she wishes, which is simply to boss her immediately. Don't even ask her if she wants to kiss you. The surprise is kinky, and it is not rape because she loves it really. And as I have previously announced, were I to rape someone by the end of the crime they would be loving that shit so badly that they wouldn't report me, they'd demand more. The same applies to an s.cat snog.

In the next chapter I shall discuss working class worthless trash. Why you are kissing this shit is anyone's guess, but I suppose I shall give you the benefit of the doubt. You're probably in dire need of some flange, and if her dad is a fisherman or a potato picker, chances are that she's never dated a footballer. This genre of woman is worthwhile because having sex is a two-bicep workout but masturbation is a one-bicep workout. Therefore, swoop. You must boss her immediately. Do not give her chance to put you off. She possibly talks with a non-estuary accent, which is a no-no, and she also probably splits infinitives. That's so common. In order to successfully bag her, it is a case of making her feel like she deserves you, which she doesn't, unless you are some fat ginger homosexual like the new captain of the 4th team. You must frame yourself as the prize. You are that crappy holiday or NEW TOASTER that Les Dennis would give away on family fortunes. You must make her find the top answer without phoning a friend or a 50-50. You must be cold and calculated as the assassin is, and swoop in whilst she is not expecting anything and bag that swag. She will thank you later when she is writhing in your glory.

Whores are a totally different concept. When you hand over some bisons to one, she is expecting you to kiss her; don't you dare. She has bad mouth AIDS of the pancreas. By not kissing her but stabbing her with some meat, you will be the enigma of the world. What is more enigmatic than paying a hooker for sex and then not kissing her? Certainly not being a mysterious randomly appearing badman who always wears shades. In comparison that is not enigmatic. You also do not contract any infections if you don't kiss her. Sexually transmitted diseases are quite bad, I think. They do things like make your penis shrink inside you so much it stabs your intestines and you die. Or so my vicar told me. However, despite this shit, the answer is still to boss her immediately. Walk up, and over your paper and chow down. You are male. Your desires are simple. Get involved.

I hope that this tutorial will be of use to some of you. You must boss her immediately. Then you shall reign supreme.

<3
S.Cat